The Wallace Chronicles
by MuddyWolf
Summary: When Marlene and Tifa are kidnapped by someone, Edgar, Sabin, Umaro, and Gau's dad must help Barret and Yuffie find the culprit and take back Marlene and Tifa. If you haven't guessed by now, this is completely inane, and insane. Vincent fans, Locke fans:


Legal Stuff: Barret, Yuffie, Tifa, Marlene, The Innominate Life Force On Top Of The Tower That Barret Will Have To Climb During The Course Of This Story, Edgar, Sabin, and Umaro, Gau's dad, (as well as all other characters and objects from Final Fantasy VI and VII is copyright to Squaresoft. Original lyrics to "One Winged Angel", "Terra", "Johnny C.Bad", and "Prelude" are composed by and belong to the great Nobuo Uematsu. Mario is copyright to Nintendo. This is a beginner's attempt at writing, and it's nonprofit. Any similarities in plot devices, gags, or the actual plot.to other fanfiction authors are coincidental. 1st warning: Intentional OOC. 2nd warning: Post-Meteor, Pre-destruction of Kefka. 3rd warning: intentionally bad quality. 4th warning: Vincent fans, don't read. started: 7/31/02 finished: 8/2/02 modified: 8/2/02 Rated PG for profanity and mindless violence.  
  
The Wallace Chronicles  
  
by Blue9Tiger  
  
"The End  
  
'...'  
  
'How do you do that?'  
  
'...'  
  
'...Huh?'  
  
'That dot-dot-dot thing.'  
  
'It's a family secret. I inherited it from my great-great-great-great- great-grandfather, who comes from a long line of White Mages----'  
  
Rude, you dork! Anyone can do that!" Elena shouted, her arms crossed over her chest. Reno was quite disillusioned. The bald Turk sweatdropped as Elena tried to master silence.  
  
'..See, I did it!'  
  
'You missed a dot!'  
  
'...'  
  
'Elena, you did it! Lets celebrate with a bottle of Rufus' finest wine!'  
  
'But Rufus is dead! Lets go find that guy in brown and ask him if we can drink his wine!'  
  
'What if he doesn't have any wine-----SCREW THIS GODDAMN BOOK!"  
  
The former AVALANCHE leader flung the first printed edition of "Turks on Prozac" across the room. Marlene laughed playfully, watching the book crash into the window, glass breaking complete with screeching Wutaian cat. Barret was about to form a much longer string of swear words, but the presence of Marlene made him feel better, not to mention he didn't feel like competing with Cid, and stopped in mid-"shit".  
  
Everything had gone fairy tale-esque after Sephiroth's defeat. Almost everyone got married to their true loves: Cloud married Aeris who was mysteriously revived, only to die again out of anguish for her poor lost rabbit's foot that Rude had secretly used as a toupée, whereupon Cloud impaled himself with the Ultima Weapon. Tifa took an excruciatingly long five minutes to get over him, and married Barret, who was reluctant at first because of his wife, but the two were ready to move on. Cid stayed a bachelor, Yuffie stayed single, Reno married Rude, but Rude divorced him and married Elena, who divorced him, and the former ran off to marry Tseng's corpse, and Rude and Reno ended up being bachelors also. Mayor Domino married the brown-suited man, Palmer married Reeve, but Reeve was scared half to death and sought refuge in the Gelinka. Nanaki, since he was the last of his kind, read up on binary fission, and succeeded in producing children. Vincent disappeared from the face of the Planet. As for everyone who died, they reunited in the Lifestream and pointed and laughed at the living people who didn't get to float around the Planet in a colorful river and spread life and hope and dreams.  
  
"Hah...you'd be illogical enough to believe that," Hojo derided the narrator from within the Lifestream.  
  
The narrator grew very angry at this, but no one really cared, because the presence of the narrator wasn't necessary, and he was banished to the W- Zone, where old photographs of George Bush were shown 24/7. Then, the new narrator narrated.  
  
"I WILL KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTER."  
  
"Like hell ya will! Ya ain't goin' nowhere wi' Marlene!"  
  
"SAYS YOU. IF YOU KNEW WHO I WAS, YOU WOULD BE ON YOUR KNEES, PROSTRATED IN FRONT OF ME, IMPLORING ME TO BE MAGNANIMOUS!"  
  
"Mister Omnipresent Shadowed Person, don't you need to be FLAT on the floor to be prostrate?"  
  
"...It doesn't matter. HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME BY A NAME OTHER THAN MY OWN! MY NAME IS....." The narrator was splashed with water so he would wake up, and the omnipresent shadowed person looked at the legal disclaimer placed conveniently at the beginning of the story for such emergencies to find his true name. When he found it, the omnipresent shadowed person flashed a sinister grin, and boomed thunderously, "INNONIMINATE LIFE FORCE ON TOP OF THE TOWER THAT---YOU WILL HAVE TO CLIMB!!!!!"  
  
Before Barret could drop his jaw in horror, ILFOTOTTTBWHTCDTCOTS grabbed Marlene and disappeared out the standard villainous-looking portal of dark colors, with dark lightning flashing around it for added effect.  
  
"MARLENE!!!!!" shouted Barret, watching his only daughter vanish in the blink of an eye. The loud noise woke Tifa, and she came running in the room, her face a mix of fear and drowsiness.  
  
"What's going aawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn?"  
  
"That shithole took Marlene!!!" he yelled, pounding on the wall with his gun-arm. There was no reason for him to temporarily lose his daughter again. Tifa asked, a palm on her mouth as she yawned again,  
  
"Who?"  
  
Barret grew a flaming crimson in rage, and pounded on the wall yet again, his hand balled into a tight fist. He didn't understand why Tifa could be so naive about this, and loudly expressed his displeasure.  
  
"OUR DAUGHTER, MARLENE! TH' HELL'S WRONG WI ' YA, TIFA?!"  
  
The woman Barret was talking to shook her head and answered monotonously,  
  
"I am not Tifa. I am yet another Sephiroth clone who in a few seconds, will become like the hooded clones."  
  
"THEN WHERE TH' HELL IS TIFA?!!!?!" Barret roared, getting exasperated and enfuriated in every breath. The Tifa clone only offered him the standard Nibelheim reply, hunched over and magically garbed in a black cloak:  
  
"Re-un-ion...Je-no-va..."  
  
".....Shit!!!" Barret swore, and tried to convince the clone of the reality of the situation. "Damn it, th' freak's DEAD!"  
  
"Je-no-va....."  
  
Barret left the Sephiroth clone alone and slammed his gun-arm on the wall until it cracked. And through that crack an enormous high-pitched whirring crashed through his ears. "Th' hell?! Didn't hear nothin' like tha' 'till th' goddamn Shin-Ra came..." he reflected, and aimed his gun-arm at the whirring noise. Finally, it stopped, and the section of the wall blew apart, plaster dust rising and forming a billowing cloud of mystery. Barret had his weapon loaded, and was about to fire when two people walked through the rip in the wall, and Barret was too confused to shoot. His eyes widened.  
  
"Vince?"  
  
There were two men: one with a set of claws strapped to his hands who was as muscular as Barret, or was on steroids, and the other with a hockey mask and chainsaw disguising as a person of royal blood. The latter, who was actually of royal blood, coughed through the dust and stared across at Barret, saying,  
  
"You must be mistaken, m'lady---"  
  
"'Scuse me?!!?"  
  
The muscular man shut his eyes and gave an abashed grin, and ripped off the other man's mask. The latter's eyes bulged as large as his head when he saw that he had mistaken Barret's gender, and he apologized quickly.  
  
"Pardon me, I couldn't see straight."  
  
"Damn right!" the former AVALANCHE leader affirmed, rather miffed.  
  
"I'm Edgar Roni-----"  
  
A nearby tank of cheese exploded and flooded the room with macaroni and cheese, causing Edgar to grimace, Sabin to meditate, and Barret to explode in melodious repititions of every curse word known to man, and they were all very cheesy. "I hate when that happens...Last time, Terra and me ALMOST went to the opera."  
  
"What happened, bro? I was sick at Kolinghen."  
  
"Injury?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Fever?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Celes tried to kill me."  
  
"With the Ragnarok?"  
  
"No," Sabin answered. "Slow-moving funny-colored fish from Solitary Island!" He thought for a moment and mused. "I wonder if that's how she killed Cid."  
  
Barret's small eyes nearly popped out of his head.  
  
"First Marlene, now th' pilot?! Ain't ANYTHIN' RIGHT IN TH' WORLD?!"  
  
Sabin attempted to ease Barret's anxiety.  
  
"No..Professor Cid, not Cid Highwind!"  
  
The other sighed in relief.  
  
"'Den SOMETHIN'S right in th' world," he confirmed, rubbing the sweat off of his brown brow that was still covered in cheese.  
  
"That reminds me why we're here!" Edgar exclaimed lightly, regaining his kingly attitude. "When me and Sabin were moseying to Triangle Island on foot---" Sabin shot a very disgusted look at his cheese-covered brother. "--we ran into a monster who said his name was ILFOTOTTTBWHTCDTCOTS---"  
  
Barret banged on the wall, growing redder than Nanaki and Ruby Weapon combined.  
  
"'DAT'S TH' BASTARD 'DAT TOOK MARLENE!"  
  
"Right," Sabin affirmed. "He took her to the Cult of Kefka Fanatic's Tower!"  
  
"An' where's Tifa?!"  
  
"He took her to what...you people call the Honeybee Inn."  
  
This time Barret's eyes DID pop out of his head, and another figure crashed through the rip in the wall, landing very stealthily and sneakily on her head in the macaroni and cheese.  
  
"Oww......" she groaned, slowly getting up off the cheese-covered floor and spying Barret's eyes. She picked them up, squeezed them a little, and looked across their shiny surface. Her quick eye catching the color, she announced, "It's a WHITE MATERIA!" Edgar and Sabin sweatdropped as Barret proceeded to almost take Cid's cussing medal. Sabin and Edgar got the hint, and pushed Barret's defenseless eyes back into their not-so-defenseless owner's head, and summoned the healing energy of Cure, and Barret was immersed in the shining spell, and Barret's eyes lived happily ever after in their sockets.  
  
"I'm 'gonna go to wherever th' hell ya said an' find Marlene!"  
  
"Not without the Figaro brothers!"  
  
Gau suddenly appeared out of the Magical Cameo Box, and started singing Mario and Luigi's theme in operatic tone, cracking Yuffie's Conformer. The Conformor began to cry in pain, and wanted its mother. Then it began to think its mother was a weapon forged on another planet that had ancient rights to this Planet, and it didn't want to talk about its father, and it flew off to wreak havoc and destruction. Yuffie was steaming at Gau, and clapped a hand over his mouth, but then Gau bit her, and finally she shoved him into the Magical Cameo Box and buried it in the cheese. After ten minutes of sweatdrops, which washed away the macaroni and cheese, Barret finally answered Edgar and Sabin.  
  
"No way in hell am I 'gonna go wi' ya!"  
  
"But...we're NICE people!" protested Sabin, giving a gigantic smile. Edgar facepalmed and whispering, "I'll handle this", he said to the adamant AVALANCHE member:  
  
"You can't go there unless you've got magic!"  
  
"Aw..shit, Tifa's got all 'a my Materia!"  
  
"See? You NEED us NICE people!"  
  
Barret grumbled, realizing that they were right. They were about to reluctantly set off when the whole house fell apart. Barret gawked in angry shock and was about to swear for the five-hundredth time that day when someone started to sing as badly as a bulldozer across gravel:  
  
"Nemomenti di tristezza---"  
  
Sabin's jaw dropped.  
  
"CELES?! What did you do to your voice?!"  
  
"Me not Celes. Me Umaro. Celes teach Umaro song. Now Umaro Bard."  
  
The fuzzy yeti placed a Bard's Hat on his head and started to sing again, but before he could set a new record for the worst rendition of ADMDC, get his photo on the front cover of the Opera House's magazine, an old man came running through the wreckage of Barret's house, carrying a lawnmower. Edgar and Sabin screamed at the sight. It was the old man from the Veldt, armed with a lawnmower.  
  
"MOW IT!!!!!!!"  
  
"NO!!!!!"  
  
"Mow it...." he said much quieter, and a deadly expression played on his face. "Or I'll mow YOU."  
  
"Lets make a deal, old man. We'll flip a coin--"  
  
"OH, NO you don't. You're FAMOUS for that two-headed coin. Whole worlds rise and fall, new dimensions are created, and Kefka turns rainbow colors with it."  
  
"Really? I had no idea this coin was so special."  
  
"No, not really. But we're NOT deciding if my twenty-five foot-high grass gets mowed with that dang-blasted coin!"  
  
"Alright, you got me! If you survive the so-called "Honeybee Inn", I'll mow your lawn."  
  
The old man thought a while, and after Kefka thoroughly blasted the second narrator with Light of Judgement, and the third narrator took over, the old man agreed.  
  
"Awright. I'm goin' wi' skinny ass."  
  
"You take Umaro, Ed. I'll keep an eye on GAU'S FATHER," Sabin resolved, putting extra emphasis on the last two words. The old man answered with a flatulent noise of indignance.  
  
"Hey, wait for me! I know Wall Market good!" Yuffie shouted, joining Sabin's group. Edgar looked sad, but didn't want to push the ninja in case she had another Conformer.  
  
"We'll meet here if our trip is a success."  
  
"What if it isn't?"  
  
"Then...we'll...meet...six feet under!" Edgar laughed, gesturing to Umaro and Barret to follow him towards an ominous-looking arrow-sign that read, "This Way to Yet Another Gaia!", and with that, the former AVALANCHE leader, the king of Figaro, and the berserking Bard were on their way to the Fanatic's Tower in search of Marlene, and the monk prince, the ninja thief, and the crazy old man were on their way to Midgar's Wall Market in search of Tifa. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- "Aw, shit."  
  
Barret gazed up at the gigantic building that was now before him, the top of which disappeared into a swirling storm of portentous thunderheads that made the approaching climb all the more threatening. It SCREAMED ultimate, omnipresent evil. And that evil had Marlene in its evil clutches!  
  
"Marlene!! Sit tight, hun, Daddy's comin'!!" shouted Barret, charging over the helmeted heads of the Fanatics' Choir, followed by Edgar, who was armed to the teeth with magic. Umaro lumbered slowly behind, and looked at the Fanatics, and ambled his way towards them. He roared at them to get their attention, and introduced himself.  
  
"Me Umaro. Umaro teach you new song. Umaro hate song sung now. Too low- key. Umaro teach you upbeat song."  
  
The Fanatics looked at each other in confusion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- The stairs seemed endless. When one was climbed, there was another waiting. By the twentieth stair, Barret was wheezing and puffing. The omnipresent bass singing of the Fanatics annoyed him immensely, but suddenly, it stopped. Barret was trying to regain his wind when a purple ghost attacked them, but was dispatched by Edgar's Ice3. Then an ugly pink humanoid appeared, and Barret shot at it, smoke pouring from his Missing Score, which dispatched that one as well. Then all of a sudden, the singing started up again, more high-pitched, screechy, while someone banged out ungodly chords on a piano to the tune of "Johnny C. Bad" and repeatedly bounced on a drum as if it was a trampoline and strummed sour chords on a bass, while dancing girls swung their hips trancelike to the beat.  
  
"I'll handle this!" Edgar shouted, covering his ears. "Find out where that music's coming from!"  
  
"Ya don' need to tell me 'dat!" Barret answered with his gun-arm stuck in his ear. He leaned over the railing and yelled, "Yo, keep 'dat shit down!"  
  
Umaro yelled from below, competing with the awful accompaniment.  
  
"Umaro no can do. They no finish song."  
  
Barret grew redder than Scarlet's dress, and fired downwards into the herd of green-helmeted Fanatics, missing the dnacing girls. The singing immediately stopped, and the terrible playing ceased also, and all was silent for awhile, until the dancing girls sprouted one angelic wing and burst out into harmonious singing to the tune of "One Winged Angel":  
  
"Albrook's song of pride Best song on the soundtrack "Prelude" stands no chance Up against the tune of J.C.Bad J.C.Bad"  
  
"Umaro did bad thing?"  
  
The leader of the dancing girls, the last remaining Imperial soldier, shot up the stairs to where Barret and Edgar were, and shouted imperiously,  
  
"I am the last of my kind. I have come to avenge my brethen!"  
  
"What crime was done against you?" Edgar asked. The soldier answered, unsheating what looked like a cheap imitation Masamune, but was just as sharp, and raising it high, the chorus getting louder. Barret's face contorted in anger as memories of battling Sephiroth flooded his mind.  
  
"You and the Returners failed to stop Kefka from moving the Statues which ended the World of Balance and threw it into the World of Ruin and our piano was destroyed and there was no one that wanted to sing because we were all depressed, and I have taken it upon myself to destroy those responsible."  
  
"An' whaddoes 'dat mean?"  
  
"J.C.Bad stopped. You must die."  
  
The soldier gave a piercing war cry, and swung the fake Masamune, and Barret and Edgar bombed up the stairs, running for their lives. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------- Sabin now felt very much like Cyan at this point, except a really lusty man was coming on to him in the place of a really lusty woman. Led by Yuffie, they managed to find Midgar, get into Midgar, find Wall Market, enter Wall Market, find the Honeybee Inn, burst into the Honeybee Inn, find Tifa, rescue her from the grasp of the evil zombie pimps that had been reanimated to replace Don Corneo, fought the evil zombie pimps, and ensured peace once again. There was only one problem: a stubborn Shin-Ra SOLDIER who wasn't aware that President Shin-Ra had died and who had one phrase implanted into his memory, was now guarding the front door.  
  
"Won't let you pass."  
  
"But.."  
  
"Won't let you pass."  
  
"We need to get out."  
  
"Won't let you pass."  
  
Yuffie looked at Tifa, who realized they wouldn't be able to overcome the SOLDIER by themselves, since he got the hint that unarmored SOLDIERS died easily and was weighted down with twenty-thousand cuirasses, breastplates, protective headgear, gauntlets, chain mail, protective footwear, making him more than a match for two people. Yuffie whispered something in Tifa's ear, and she sauntered towards the really lusty man.  
  
"Tell you what. We'll trade you him for him. What do you say?" asked Tifa who was smiling as genially as possible for someone who had just been kidnapped by an omnipresent evil and thrown into the Honeybee Inn. The really lusty man immediately agreed, and let go of Sabin, and grabbed the old man, who was not in the least pleased.  
  
"Thanks guys.....but what'll we do about Gau's father?"  
  
"We'll worry about that old geezer later! Lets get 'outta this place! It creeps me out!" Yuffie exclaimed, and so reluctantly, Sabin joined the side of the two former AVALANCHE members, and faced the very large obstacle.  
  
"Won't let you pass."  
  
Sabin slashed the opponent with his claws, but that did little damage, Yuffie attacked with a well-placed kick, and Tifa attacked the torso with her fist, but the heavily-armored SOLDIER didn't even blink. They kept up this assault for quite some time, and finally all three of them resorted to using magic, hurling fully-mastered spells at the annoying SOLDIER. They were using so much magic that it began to freeze and burn and electricute the Honeybee Inn, frying the beds, freezing them, melting them, and broiling them until they were unfit for their........use.  
  
"I don't think Fire3, Ice3, or Bolt3's going to do it," Tifa said, panting a little from the huge effort.  
  
"Yeah...lets see how he likes this!" Sabin yelled, bio-hazardous materials collecting into one huge mess and seeping into the enemy's armor. But STILL it did minimal damage. And the old man was screaming so loudly he had lost his voice. Sabin felt a little guilty, but the obstacle didn't even wince. Then he tried the firey unfocused spell Merton, and aside from setting the enemy's armor on fire, and creating a very large bonfire the size of the Floating Continent in Wall Market, he sustained no damage. "This is getting bad....."  
  
"No kidding," Tifa groaned, casting a Confuse spell at the armored SOLDIER, looking very desperate. Yuffie followed with a Slow, and Sabin with an Imp, but again it was to no avail. Yuffie summoned Titan, who ripped out the floor of the Honeybee Inn, and Tifa summoned Leviathan, who flooded what was left of it, putting out the fire before it spread to Sector 6, and to top it all off, Sabin called upon Alexander, and the floor of the Honeybee Inn was consumed in white flames. The occupants of the Inn were very displeased, and drove Tifa, Yuffie, and Sabin out of Wall Market.  
  
"Hey, we're out! That wasn't so hard."  
  
Tifa glared at him. They had used up all of their magic.  
  
"Thanks for saving me..now we have to leave Midgar."  
  
"But I wanna beat that SOLDIER guy!" protested the ninja, and she ran back into Wall Market, approaching him. He was as still as ever, his armor crisp in the white fire. Yuffie scowled at him, and tried to think of a way to beat him. She had casted every spell in the book until she had exhausted herself. She could think of only one more thing to do, which was the thing she knew how to do best. Summoning all her skill and prowess, she ran towards the armored SOLDIER, and proceeded to steal all of his armor.  
  
Twenty-thousand pieces of stolen armor later........  
  
"Stole Assorted Armor times twenty-thousand!" Yuffie exclaimed victoriously. In the process of stealing his armor, she also stole his clothes. The Shin-Ra SOLDIER was so abashed that he ran away. Yuffie then proceeded to don the Shin-Ra uniform, spinning around as she changed clothes.  
  
"Not my style, but it was worthwhile!"  
  
Somewhere, a certain treasure hunter swore revenge on Yuffie for being so blatantly copied. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------- "Look out! A SOLDIER!" Tifa yelled in fear, whirling around to attack the approaching cerulean-clad enemy. Sabin readied one of his legendary Blitzes, and charged at the SOLDIER, his fists landing heavy blows on the enemy in a fierce Pummel. He was thrown back, and tore off his hood, revealing Yuffie.  
  
"Take it easy!" she grumbled, changing into her regular clothes. They were expressing their relief when Sabin suddenly paled, and Tifa was looking at a running dot on the horizon. "Hey, isn't anyone listenin' to me?!" Yuffie yelled, her fists clenched. The muscular prince gulped. The dot was now a man, and the man looked VERY unhappy.  
  
"Locke..."  
  
"Huh? Hey, who's that thief with a bandana?"  
  
"I'm a TREAS-----"  
  
Locke suddenly was silenced by yet another omnipresent being that hung mysteriously in the air suspended by a very visible cable. This omnipresent being thunderously boomed,  
  
"I AM THE MUTE SPELL. I STOP YOU FROM USING CLICHéS THAT HAVE BEEN OVERDONE TO UNDEATH, THUS MAKING THE WORLD A SAFER PLACE."  
  
Locke shot Mute an incredulous look, and proceeded to attack Yuffie, who attacked Locke, and Gau escaped the Box of Cameos and started to play a bad blend of the two battle themes on a year-old piece of Dried Meat while the two thieves brawled, and Tifa and Sabin looked at each other nervously. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Umaro had rejoined Edgar and Barret who were running for their lives from the angered "Johnny C. Bad" choir and their Imperial leader. All three of them had acquired amazing stamina, as the fake Masamune blade was right behind them, with the choir, singing all the more louder as they chased the two Returners and the former AVALANCHE leader.  
  
"Albrook's song of pride Best song on the soundtrack "Prelude" stands no chance Up against the tune of J.C.Bad J.C.Bad Albrook's song of pride Best song on the soundtrack "Prelude" stands no chance Up against the tune of J.C. Bad J.C. Bad No boring flutes Or clarinets Piano and drums And we're all set Albrook's song of pride Best song on the soundtrack "Prelude" stands no chance Up against the tune of J.C.Bad J.C.Bad "Terra"'s worthless crap compared to "Johnny C. Bad" Never was a Greater song than this I tell you All the rest can go to hell It's the reason For our living It's the reason For our living It's the reason For our living It's the reason-----"  
  
"Wait a minute! If the song's the reason for your living, and it's gone, shouldn't you be dead?" Edgar asked the one-winged dancers.They looked at each other for a moment, nodded in agreement, and emitted a screeching howl of agony and pain as they, one by one, impaled themselves on the fake Masamune. The Imperial soldier realized this too, and he impaled himself as well, and the song finally ended.  
  
Before Barret, Edgar, and Umaro could thank higher deities, thunder crashed and ILFOTOTTTBWHTCDTCOTS appeared. The three hadn't realized they had reached the top, but now they were at the top, and Marlene could be seen struggling in ILFOTOTTTBWHTCDTCOTS's evil grasp.  
  
"Papa! Help!!" screamed Marlene, being choked by the omnipresent right hand of ILFOTOTTBWHTCDTCOTS..  
  
An enraged Barret aimed his gun, but the enemy had Marlene in his evil grasp, and to shoot him would endanger his daughter. He tried to get a clear shot, but ILFOTOTTBWHTCDTCOTS was using Marlene as a human shield. Umaro threw off his Bard's Hat and was about to attack in full force, but Barret held him back with his good arm.  
  
"Ain't no way you're touchin' Marlene!"  
  
"Umaro understand. Umaro will sing. Amor mio---"  
  
The giant yeti sang his loudest, causing ILFOTOTTBWHTCDTCOTS to drop Marlene to clamp his hands over his ears, and Barret grabbed the girl, comforting his crying daughter. He then proceeded to shoot the omnipresent shadow out of ILFOTOTTBWHTCDTCOTS, and after Shadow destroyed the third narrator with a Water Skean, the evil being was no longer ignonimous when he brought his left "hand" into the light, and he revealed himself to be......  
  
"Vince! Didn't ya split th' scene?!"  
  
"No. I am still waiting for you."  
  
Barret's eyes bulged in shock, and held Marlene tighter, trying to explain his situation,  
  
"Waitaminute, I got a wife an' kid---"  
  
"Not in that way, fool! To have for supper, of course!"  
  
Barret, Edgar, and Umaro displayed expressions of sheer shock, simultaneously repeating in horrified confusion:  
  
"SUPPER?!"  
  
"Yes. I shall inflict endless pain and torture on your soul while I digest your innards."  
  
"'Jes when I think ya ain't a vampire, I'm dead wrong!"  
  
"Yes...you are wrong to say that I am a vampire. If I was a vampire, I would be...biting your flesh," Vincent explained as he grabbed Barret by the vest with his claw and punctured Barret's thick hide with very visible fangs. Edgar and Umaro gasped, freezing in fear. Marlene started to cry, and Barret swore yet again, realizing he was bleeding. "If I was a vampire, I would be drinking your blood," continued Vincent as he started to slurp up the other's blood. Barret got the hint quickly and punched Vincent with his gun-arm, giving him a faceful of steel, and while Vincent was groaning about his sins and his sore face, Edgar threw a Smoke Bomb, and it exploded and released a thick cloud of gas.  
  
"I bought that at a specialty store! It be enough distraction for us to get to the bottom before he knows we're there!" Edgar assured, the three charging down the stairs, Barret carrying Marlene in his arms  
  
"Papa?" Marlene squeaked, turning blue.  
  
"Hush up, Marlene. We 'gonna get 'outta 'dis place first, 'den I'll read ya a book," he assured lovingly and urgently at the same time.  
  
Marlene was turning bluer.  
  
"That's not it, Papa, you're squeezing me!"  
  
"Damn."  
  
Barret loosened his grip on his daughter, and started running again. They couldn't even see the ground when the Smoke Bomb's smoke dispersed and Vincent could see again, and he glided down in front of of the four, his crimson cape flowing majestically until he snagged it on the staircase and was hanging from the banister very un-mysteriously. He pulled out his Death Penalty, firing round after round at the fleeing former AVALANCHE members, his daughter, and the two Returners. When he ran out of bullets, he gave himself a Hyper and waited for them to attack him. But now that he was hyper, he jittered all over the place and his cape tore, sending the pseudo- vampire plummeting through the dark sky.  
  
"Whew! We made it!" declared Edgar, walking through the spot the helmeted Fanatics once occupied. Umaro was about to attack someone in happiness, and Barret set Marlene on the ground gently, when it became darker than it already was. Umaro looked up to the sky, and gave a very complex and involved observation.  
  
"Shadow in sky."  
  
"Huh? Don' see nothin'....."  
  
"Shadow? The Falcon must be there too!"  
  
"Weird man in red falling!"  
  
Barret took the hint from Marlene, and ran out of the way before something crashed to the ground.  
  
"No airship. Just shadow."  
  
"Shadow's falling? We'd better catch him!"  
  
SPLAT. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------  
  
"I hope you two learned your lesson."  
  
Locke and Yuffie didn't answer: they had thoroughly beaten the living crap out of each other. Tifa stood angrily over them with her hands on her hips, glaring at the exhausted thieves. Sabin was over by himself, feeling guilty about leaving the old man behind, when a very battered Edgar came crawling across the ground, Vincent still on top of him. Umaro came following with a bunch of band-aids. Barret came last with Marlene, and ran towards Tifa, and they happily embraced each other as a very lovable family.  
  
"Tifa! Ya got me worried! Don' get nabbed by 'dat bastard no more! You too, Marlene!"  
  
Tifa and Marlene nodded sweetly. And with linked arms, they all jovially skipped away into the beautiful sunset.....  
  
The End. This current narrator was banished into the W-Zone where he joined the first narrator, and was replaced by the fourth one.  
  
.......But they returned to see what would happen to Vincent.  
  
"Get off me."  
  
"No."  
  
"Get off me."  
  
"Make me."  
  
Edgar revved up his chainsaw, and Vincent started to cry.  
  
"No.....it is impossible! That not-righteously-penitent monarch has a better chainsaw than Hellmasker.....I must destroy it!"  
  
Barret plopped down, handed Tifa and Marlene some of Midgar's best "Loveless" popcorn, and munched and crunched on them as Edgar and the Limit- Broken Vincent crossed...chainsaws.  
  
"Yo!" Barret called over to Sabin, who looked rather glum and guilty. "Stop mopin' 'bout 'dat damn old man, an' watch th' show wi' us."  
  
Sabin looked reluctant, and finally decided to accept the other man's proposition, and he walked towards them, but when he got there, the battle had already ended, and Hellmasker looked quite chopped up. It reverted back into Vincent and he became very upset, and then he saw.....the Lifestream. He thought of Lucrecia and how he could join her in the Lifestream, and he ran off a high cliff and jumped, straight into some pond water. He stood up, drenched, explaining to a very excited-looking bump on a log.  
  
"I could not commit suicide. That is my---"  
  
The Mute spell returned, silencing Vincent and making him one unhappy person. The bump jumped up from the log and said excitedly,  
  
"Sucks to be you!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- "Haha! I got it made, brother!"  
  
Sabin grimaced.  
  
"Don't remind me. I never liked the guy, but he's still trapped with that......that...."  
  
"Yeah. Maybe we should rescue him....."  
  
"I don't need rescuing!" a familiar old voice chirped.  
  
Edgar paled. That-----that voice! "I'm here, King Edgar! I've done what I had to do......now....."  
  
"B-but...how'd you get free?"  
  
"Now....."  
  
"No....damn it, my weekend's shot! There's FOUR girls I asked out!"  
  
"That's right, Edgar. MOW IT! And you make sure he does it," he ordered Sabin."I want my grass to be so short that the average idiot will try to golf on it!"  
  
And so, the ridiculous adventure concluded peacefully. This is what became of our heroes and villain: Edgar was forced to stand up Terra, Celes, Relm, AND Strago dressed up as a woman in order to mow the lawn, while Sabin hovered over his brother.  
  
"Who should I take to the opera tomorrow?" Sabin rubbed it in.  
  
"Grr..."  
  
"Terra? Celes? Maybe the Matron?"  
  
"Don't make me come over there."  
  
"You wanna make something out of it, bro?"  
  
And so, the ear-bleeding din of the lawnmower drowned out the ensuing battle.  
  
That weekend, Sabin didn't get to go to the opera because he was at Figaro Castle's sick room from repeated hits of the Bio Blaster, and Edgar was also stuck in the castle suffering from a broken everything. Thus, Umaro and the old man went to the opera, the latter bitter about his unfinished grass.  
  
"Now half of it's bald, and the other half is 25 feet high! Rrrr.."  
  
"Shut up. Show starts."  
  
So, Umaro and the old man watched the conclusion of that season's opera, where neither Draco nor Ralse won Maria's hand, but the illustrious, charming, debonaire, MAESTRO! The maestro climbed up from the orchestra pit and took Maria's hand, who was so frightened she ran away, and when tried to pursue her, she shoved him into the violins, and the curtain went down with the maestro's legs waving frantically in the air, Maria crossing her arms indignantly, and the final chord struck were several hundred violin strings snapping.  
  
Next day, the opera's ratings skyrocketed.  
  
Umaro and the old man weren't very impressed, and resorted to watching dog fights in Maranda, but there were none there. So they watched themselves for the longest time, seeing which one could be more entertaining. In the end, they agreed that The World of Ruin was as boring as watching ice melt on a minus twenty degree winter day in Narshe.  
  
Vincent vowed not to willingly display the characteristics of a vampire, and ten seconds later, willingly drank the blood of Locke, who was in the middle of saying that he was a treasure hunter and not a thief.  
  
As for Marlene, she begged Barret to finish reading "Turks on Prozac", Barret had to read it to her, and Tifa was in the kitchen, preparing a delicious pot of Cactuar.  
  
"Papa, Papa! You didn't finish the book! I wanna see what the Turks do!"  
  
Barret fumed.  
  
"Awright, Marlene." He very grudgingly picked up the book and read as fast as possible. "Whatifhedoesn'thaveanywineIhatewineIlikebeerWheredowegetbeerFromthebarinMid garButwhatifwegetdrunkRufus'llhavetodealwithitdealwithwhatWithusgettingdrunk OkayRenoIbelieveyou...What'reyoudoingElena...HeyyoudiditagainButaren'tyougoi ngtotalktousanymoreIt'snotthesamewithoutyoutalkingElenasinceyougotsuchabigmo uthElenapromptlysmackedhimontheheadwiththebackofherhandandRenowasknockedouta ndRudewasalsoknockedoutandElenaknockedherselfoutandwhenRufusfoundthemhethoug httheywerestonedTheEnd.......Marlene?"  
  
The little girl wasn't answering, now soundly asleep on Barret's lap. He picked her up and tucked her into bed, and ambled into the kitchen, smiled at Tifa, who returned the warm look, and they looked very lovingly each other, until Barret inhaled the air.  
  
"Yo, Tifa...somethin' burnin'?"  
  
Tifa looked at the pot, and was horrified to see that the Cactuar had melted and filled the pot with green goo. But they---ate, or drank it anyway, because who knew when the evil Vincent would separate their family again?  
  
"And I would, too," vowed Vincent, feasting on Locke's blood while Celes repeatedly ran him through with the Ragnarok.  
  
Life continued on as normal.  
  
THE END ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------- Comments? Questions? FLAMES?! I'm pretty sure flames will run rampant. ^_^ BRING 'EM ON!!!!!! Yes, I know this was a blatant Vincent and Locke hate- fic. I figure it was high time for someone to put them in a bad light. Also, I have a bunch of other unfinished stuff, and all you get from me is a badly-written comedy. I'll get those other ones done when I've got the inspiration. As for that whole stupid "Johnny C.Bad" thing, I'm not making fun of the other FFVI songs. I meant absolutely no offense against Nobuo Uematsu's greatest works, undoubtedly the FFVI score.. ^__^ But using one- winged dancers was too inviting for me to pass up. Special thanks to DropofJupiter123, Eponine16732, and BOWSER430 for Beta Reading, and thanks to the latter for some information. Hm.....the fic forecast: AWK2, TTTP13, EOAR13, WTDT3, but first and foremost, GS, which will involve none other than Hojo and Lucrecia. 'Till then, this is B9T, signing off! -_^ 


End file.
